I think we’re getting somewhere.

“is it bad if I told you that if I drank hard liquor for a week id get over him?”

—”no, because last time you said for two weeks so I think we’re getting somewhere!” #iloveWes

A Lil’ Writers To-do List

I’m moving to San Diego in about 20 hours and me being how I know I am, I felt it would be helpful to jot down a ‘shit to get done’ list in the midst of all this.

• pack all your things for your trip [✓]
• pay for luggage fees ahead of time [✓]
• get new hygiene’s since its dirt cheap in AR [✓]
• pre-print out updated resumes [✓]
• check status on PLNDR refund claim [✓]
• get lover a belated bday present
• edit iTunes songs [✓]
• always pick n’ chose your battles with everyone
• cont. to look for jobs (craigslist, in person once moved in) [✓]
• work towards buying your car. (all you need is that first pay stub rey!)
• get important sh*t from storage
• retrieve my gpa ♥ (don’t ask, plz)
• visit my lover -yes, it is  a priority
• save up!! this should be #1 but i need a job, and a car, and then me & the gang are relocating in less than 3 months
• visit family in Oxnard as soon as your settled
• get a tan, no seriously
• call mom everyday
• get a new USB drive

So, that’s all I can think of at this second. Luckily I can update/edit this entry frequently. If anyone cares, feel free to check up on it.

No such thing as a coincidence

“Well look who I ran into,” crowed Coincidence.

“Please,” flirted Fate, “this was meant to be.”

It’s true when they say not to cry over spilled milk. Everything happens for a reason. If you make a mistake or something doesn’t go as expected or as you hoped, it’s natural to dwell with regret or loss, but it has to stop there. There’s no reason to mull over it when you could be using that time to improve or possibly fix the situation. Don’t cry over spilled milk, wipe it up and move on.

Time will decide who you meet in your life. People come and go but the right ones will stay. Your heart decides who you want to keep in your life. & no matter what happens, never lose your heart because your mind can play tricks on you, while your heart will rarely test you. Your behavior and attitude will determine who stays in your life. Often times, people are taken for granted and realize too late that reactions are followed by actions.

There’s no such thing as a coincidence. What’s occurring is clearly meant to happen so learn to accept it for what it is. One major point in doing so is accepting things out of your control, for that’s a waste of time and energy. Like the Law of Attraction implies, what you are spending time thinking about, that is what will be. No matter if it’s bad or good, that is what will be if that’s what you focus your attention on it.

Stay optimistic and try not to have expectations. Avoid disappointments by leaving your hopes to be exactly just that, a hope. Stay as hopeful as you’d like but don’t assume things will go as planned. Its far easier to avoid disappointments by simply working towards your goals and letting everything fall into place. Really, at the end of the day, things are going to turn out exactly how they are meant to. The decisions and choices you make, are meant to be made & the outcome is already waiting for you.

That’s all I have to say on that. Hope it was some kind of help to you as it was to me.

Travel, Art & other stuff

& so it begins. 2 more weeks and this chapter closes and another one begins.The winter of my life has come to an end and my oh my it is bittersweet. So, I’ve been given a lucky opportunity to move to San Diego and start life with an old but good friend, Valerie. At first when we talked about it, I was very indecisive on whether to move forward in an atmosphere I’m used to (Oxnard, CA.) or start a spontaneous new adventure with a loyal friend. You know me, always ready to try something new!! So I decided to fly to San Diego.

Its been real Arkansas! I was forced to deal with excruciating emotions and horrible winter storms, but it’s warming up out here right when I’m leaving! Another thing I’m not prepared to deal with is the departure from my mother! UUUUGHHHHHAAAAHHHHH! Need I say more? I love her so much and I know she’s a phone call away and all but really, in the past couple months NOTHING has been better than hugging my mom in tears and her not questioning me, just giving me a warm hug right back. Ill miss that comfort so much. Along with my laundry and bed and dinner being done 😉 hehe. I can honestly say I felt like I took advantage of this trip to AR. Excessive amounts of yoga, the beauty of snow fall, becoming a newly desired artist, and expanding my writing tools. And of course family. I sure love my family.

But, it’s time for a fresh start. I have mighty big plans too! I plan to attend cosmetology school in the fall. Looking forward to going to the beach. every.single.day. Also, looking forward to California marijuana! I’m especially looking forward to seeing my lovely friend, for its been way too long. Were both going through what seems to be ‘quarter life crisis’ as far as our love life’s are concerned; i’m excited to have her back and her have mine so we can move forward and start our lives. I don’t know whats in store for me the rest of this year, but I do see that it is bright. I am thankful for this chance to build my own foundation and grow into a bad ass young lady. I’ll continue to write, paint and try to blog more often. Shoot, this blog has gone from LA to Salinas to Arkansas, and going going back back to Cali, SAN DIEGO! It’s on. I’m so ready for Summer!! Thanks universe. Im feelin’ beyond lucky.

Winter + Yoga = Snowga

It has been a very cold Winter for me, both literally and within the Winter of my soul. The trees are shedding it’s leaves just as the snow is covering the dirt in layers upon layers. This is said to be the season of surrender and trust. It’s a new year, and it is letting us know what lies ahead is far better than what has been left behind. Just like every other season, Winter too will pass and warmer seasons are coming upon us. I suppose that’s relieving, right? But since we are in the now, stuck in the present, I feel I must see the beauty in the Winter. Ironically enough, I am a December baby who has never liked the cold..

I am miles and miles away from anything I’m used to. I have been finding ways to clear my mind and reflect on letting go of the past. Writing this blog and frequently updating my journal has been found helpful, but something that has been extra fulfilling is Yoga. Now that I am miles away from the stress of being stable on my own and have been given opportunity to rest. I’ve been doing yoga more than often since I moved from California.

I have been practicing yoga inconsistently since last Summer.The first yoga class I took, in downtown Los Angeles, I was the youngest and newest student. My teacher was a mid aged swedish lady who lived in the Roosevelt building, where we practiced. She would teach the class for free every Tuesday. & I must say every paid for session Ive taken, every youtube video or sessions from a yoga app has been mediocre compared to her teachings. Before each session we’d meditate for 20 minutes. The first 5 minutes she’d talk to us and ask us to make that day’s practice completely selfless and to think of someone you’d like to send your energy to. Someone you want to send good vibes and appreciation of their existence too. Since then, I have and will forever do yoga selflessly. Ive seen people use yoga as an excuse to ‘find there selves’ or to make peace with their past mistakes and find calmness in their overwhelming lives. Which is completely okay, but not my reason for practice. I practice yoga for clarity of my mind and to find the peace in the midst of the busy world. I practice for my physical health and for the constant progress and improvement off our bendy bodies. I especially practice yoga to find the calmness in my heart and for the acceptance of life’s given obstacles. To better say, Yoga helps me to live in the present and accept the things I cannot change. I have found that this lifestyle is so much simpler.

This brings me back to Winter. It is snowing in Arkansas. It makes me feel a bunch of emotions. I feel like this season of sadness and coldness will drag on forever.. My Winter logic has came from reading this blog (http://thesinglewoman.net/2015/02/03/dash-sass-winter-wont-last/). The writer says, “We can’t possibly see it now, but there will come a day in the not too distant future when we throw off the weight of our winter coats and dance free and light and blissful in the warm spring breeze. And it will be beautiful. But if you look a little closer at the process of winter, you will see its beauty, too. It’s a season of shedding. Of letting go of what was to make room for what will be.” This gives me a feeling of comfort. It puts me at peace knowing life will get warmer. And as long as I have my writing and my yoga, I feel the journey to finding myself will be less overwhelming than I’m currently imagining..

“Spring will come and so will happiness. Hold on. Life will get warmer.” -Anita Karizzan

My views on God & prayer and some current feelings

OH GOD. “I’ll pause here for a moment to explain exactly what I mean when I say that word, just so people can decide right away how offended they need to get” (p13 ‘Eat Pray Love”)

I was raised believing there was a Jesus Christ & his mama was Mary and she was virgin who got prego. I wasn’t baptized, nor did I have a 1st communion much less did I go to church (w/ an exception of when I wanted to make my grandma Julia happy) As a little Rey, my mom and I would put our hands together and say ‘Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord….‘ prayer and then say what were thankful for & ask for whatever hardships were present to be gone. Now that I am older & can understand how many different religion there are, I have made my own meaning of God. Saving the argument of whether or not a God exists (I’m probably going to skip that) Let me explain what God is to me. God is, to me, the universe, the sky, the stars, all organisms, the weather, motion, air, fire, etc. God isn’t a person, necessarily.. I feel God couldn’t be just one person (& if it is one person it could just as well be a she) If anyone’s read the book “Eat Pray Love” she explains she could just as well use the words Buddha, Jehovah, Zeus.. etc. Ancient Sanskrit scriptures refer to their God as “That” I personally couldn’t pray to a That. Like Elizabeth Gilbert, (the author), I need a proper name in order to feel a sort of personal attendance. Which brings me to my next discussion, prayer.

I don’t pray very often, firstly. Secondly, when I do, I feel even more guilty because it’s normally only when I’m sad or depressed or like, need or want something. But when I pray, I don’t really pray to God. (my version of God). I carry on with my normal way of starting (Now I lay me down to sleep…) & then I ask the Universe to take care of all my loved ones and sick loved ones. And then I start my actual prayer. My dad passed away when I was 17 months old. & on April 13, 2013, my favorite person in the universe was taken from earth, my grandpa Glen and May 16, 2013 my favorite Uncle & beloved friend was needed as a guardian angel in the sky. These are the people I ‘pray’ too. I first say hello, always. & that I miss them. & that I feel them everywhere I go. I then go on to ask them to watch over me when I’m walking home at night, or driving with friends, or on the train or buss, or whatever I may be doing.. And then I ask them all for guidance in making decisions. I tell them I’m thankful for what the Universe has brought to me (depending on the circumstances) and then of course I begin my venting on whats going wrong in my life in hopes that they will change or fix or do what guardian angels do. And that sums up my prayers.

The real reason I’m writing this… (thanks to whoever’s still reading and NOT offended) I’m that girl who reads ‘Self Improvement’ books and reads life quotes that say exactly what I feel I need to hear. But I’m also that girl who reads and reads and sometimes doesn’t apply it to my life. Lately I’ve been feeling I lack certain characteristics, I suppose you could say. I’ve been having trouble accepting things for what they are. I’ve been extremely impatient on how slow things are going for me. I feel I’ve been pretty stubborn in terms of changing myself for the good. I also sorta feel disappointed in where I’m at in life & why things didn’t work out the way I wanted, which goes back to not accepting things for what they are. These are all things I cant pray for. (Although, ironically, acceptance and patience (I believe) are in the bible. lol) I feel very sort of kinda extremely lost. I’m sure it’s just a 20’s phase or something but it’s really frustrating me. I take it day by day, patiently waiting for things i’m working on to come into action & somehow it’s not enough. Besides the obvious culture shock and heart break I’m facing, I really don’t know whats up with me. I just really wanted to write. So that is all. Hope you enjoyed. Feel free to comment reflections 🙂

A Cali girl’s story to becoming an “Arkie Girl”

So, I’ve been living in Arkansas for a little less than a month, and a culture shock is one minor way to describe what I’m experiencing. My sister, nephew, and niece have been living here for, it’ll be 7 years in October. While my brother in law, Larry, who also live out here, works in North Dakota, but lives out here as well. My mom just moved out here about 3 months ago. I have lived in 3 different cities the passed couple of years & have always been known to adapt to any new circumstances. But mind you, I’ve always been a west coaster. Now that I am slowly experiencing “Planet Arkansas” (as my sophomore teacher describes it) I have been (exposed to) to the everyday life of a southerner.

Last week I had an opportunity to go four wheeling with my niece, nephew, and my brother in law’s aunt Mary, uncle Ronnie, & cousin Steven. When we arrived to Aunt Mary’s isolated home in the depths of Bee Branch, Arkansas, my first thought was “Oh, look at those horses!” (only to find out they were mules lol) Then come to find out they have a miniature farm! I got to feed their chickens and the two turkey’s they had, which may I add, you’d be surprised how sweet chickens are! I also found it pretty cool that they eat their chicken’s eggs. We then went on to see their shed-like thing of bunnies! And growing up, I had 3 rabbits that lived outside similar to these ones, so that was a cool experience. So once we filled our ice chest with beer, and got all our “quads” in a row, we set out on their trails. My nephew Christopher was driving our quad and little did I know I was in for a muddy surprise! Something I found particularly interesting is ‘mudding’ is something fun for southerners! LOL. & dont get me wrong, Ive been camping in Filmore at Lake Piru since I was in diapers. I have been crawling in mudd since I can remember. BUT now that I’m older, mud splatter on my baby butt face didn’t sound very intriguing! I eventually got passed that and convinced Christopher to avoid any deep-looking mud puddles and made it out slightly mud free. Of course after 4 beers, I eventually had to pee. I ended up peeing in the wilderness (Uncle Ronnie had TP in his trunk) I somehow found myself stuck in a vine loaded with thorns. Yes, thorns. Once I untangled myself free, the mud slide continued. Our adventure shortly came to an end afterwards due to 2 of our 3 four wheeler’s having some technical difficulties. Since Christoper’s quad was the only one who’s survived we ended up taking the truck down to the lodges by the lake & my niece and nephew followed us down there on the quad. They showed me a house that had slid down like 600 feet in a mud slide & I was so amazed at the engineering because for the most* part it remained in one piece (Amazing, huh?) We then all hopped in Cousin Stevens truck & went mudding with the Chevy. I was scared out of my mind on that one!! (Mostly because I hated the idea of potentially getting stuck in the middle of a mud swamp and having to dirty my cheetah Freerun’s to get to land) but instead the truck started smoking and we had to hop out, connect a chain to it, call up Uncle Ronnie to bring his truck to pull us out, & even then, I remained mud free (-: It was kinda funny that the Chevy truck got stuck. The Dodge was to weak to pull us out, and the Toyota truck ended up getting us out! Anyways, we came back to Uncle Ronnie’s & I got to feed the hor- MULES and took a pretty cool selfie with Shirley (see featured image) Overall it was a fun day.

On another day, I went to Morrilton Community College to get some information only to be commented on how I* have a particularly strange accent! Which is quite funny because southerners have a very intense accent which I am slowly acquiring lol It’s pretty much just anything with and -ing suffix is changed to just -in. For example, What’re we having for dinner? would be southern-ly translated to: What we havin’ for dinner? See what I mean? Also, my niece tends to say “ain’t” fairly often which my English teacher, Ms. Kaval would agree ain’t a word 😉 Yes, I know Ms. Kaval, is not.

I’ve only been here a few weeks so we havn’t gone out to dinner maybe but once. It just so happened to be Mexican food. Let me just note, with all due respect, Mexican food out here is infact authentic as hell! My brother in law called me shortly after dinner and asked me how it felt to eat Mexican food in the middle of the most country city in Arkansas? My response was it sucked. (Especially because I recently lived in East LA and nothing compares to a torta from a food truck late on a Saturday night!)

I’d like to talk about the intense racism issues in this state, but I’ll save that for another day…. I am going to say the only reason I knew what an Arkansas was, was because of the intense segregation in Little Rock, Arkansas in 1957. Does anyone remember ‘Brown vs. Board of Education’ we learned about in History class? Well, if not, the Little Rock Nine were a group of students that attended Central HS that teamed up with MLK JR. to allow African American’s to attend school. Long story short, at the end of the school year a kid named Ernest Green became the 1st African American to graduate from Central HS & MLK even went to his graduation! Moral of the story is that just because desegregation is legal does not by any means, mean that racism doesn’t exist in Arkansas!

So far, Arkansas has been a very new experience and slowly but surely my optimism for this state is coming out. I, personally, couldn’t live here. But having been the only place where my blood family is residing, it seems to be a place I’ll learn to love. I eventually will be coming home to California, but until then Ill be doing yoga in the backyard of my sister’s 19 acres of beautiful forests. Who knows, maybe I’ll pull a Katniss and have my nephew teach me how to hunt with a bow and arrow!

Mama said there would be those days…

As each hour goes by I sit and debate on whether or not I should write. I sit and fight the urge to do the only fulfilling and relieving thing to do these days, or so that’s how it feels. Since this blog I haven’t picked up my journal or pen.. I suppose that’s because everything in my journal reminds me of US. (Yes, it’s one of those blogs, but this one is different, I promise) I have, at least, been reading other people’s blogs which I have found exceptionally helpful considering today has been one of those days..

& so it begins.. As each hour goes by, I look at the clock I think of many different things. I think about what you’re feeling. I think about how your day is, I especially think about how I cared less about your days when I was in them. I think about how I took your affection for granted. Not at all because I didn’t appreciate it but how I yearn for one of your kisses after you get off work. I think about sending you a text even though I dont think you’re receiving them. I then end up sending you one and quickly deleting it from my inbox so I dont reread it, wait for a response, and then regret it. I think about how this is easier for you than it is for me. I know that sounds selfish to say as I press tissues against my eyes to stop tears from coming out but it’s safe to say given the previous words we’ve traded.. I then think about your happiness. I hope you’re happy and trying to enjoy every brand new day. I think about how much of a toll this has taken on my physical strength and emotional optimism. I think about how I can’t seem to get out of this negative bubble and can’t even pretend to be my normal giddy self. I think about this time last year. We had been friends for a couple months now at work. I think about Valentine’s Day when I clocked in and you gave me a candy rose. I think about how I was happy all day as work until it was time for you to go home. You know why. I think about how it’s almost a year later and we’re practically strangers. I think about what you became to me. I think about the priceless moments -too many to even note. I just got the chills…… I think about all the things in my life that came and went and how I had no idea you’d be one of them. I thought we’d be one of the more permanent and reliable aspects of my life. I think about all the things I wish I could fix and then laugh because I’m constantly preaching to people to accept the things you cannot change. I try to appreciate what’s happening and understand that sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places. I think that maybe this was supposed to happen. But right now I can’t understand why. As it may sound dramatic, I realize that I’m young and stuff like this is going to happen, God forbid more than once… Although it is a pleasant thought that some of the best days of my life haven’t even happened yet. I just mourn for the day that this doesn’t matter to me any more like how it doesn’t matter to him anymore. “Time Heals All” they say. & so time begins. I wish I could kill these days with sleep. All I can think about today is him. There are good days and there are days like these. These days are the worst. They make me resent him. Resent us. They make me so pessimistic and angry. I wish things weren’t like this. Nothing anyone says helps the way I’m feeling. I really just want him and he doesn’t even realize, or even care! how much this is pushing me away. Days like these make me realize how utterly hurt I am. And how he doesn’t even care. That’s all I can think about.. Is how you don’t even care. 

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The hardest thing in the world is deciding whether to keep trying or give up. I don’t really know if this is killing me or making me stronger. All I know is writing about it helps a whole lot.

Bittersweet

Literally could not have said it better! —especially the part “as monumental as moving to another state. It’s all happening to me right now and this was just right on point. Key is accepting that things may not go as you originally had in mind. It’s called “Change”.

nacoria

As a person you go through so many changes in life. Changes in friends, surroundings, appearances. These changes happen throughout your whole life and they can be as miniscule as taking an interest in a new genre of music to as monumental as moving to a new state. But either way a change is a change, changes will always occur whether they are welcome or not but the thing about these changes is that welcome or not we need the changes that we encounter. Change always has a bad side a side that’s scary and mysterious but dwelling on the less appealing side of the changes that happen in your life will keep you from the wonderful experience that comes with change. The experience that adds to you as a person. The experience that could bring out a beautiful characteristic in you that you weren’t even aware you possessed. So…

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Hatred

The Life and Mind of Tyler M

I realize hatred only hurts you. While you spend time hating someone they carry on with their life, but have control over yours. While you are restless, dress and upset they sleep like nothing is wrong they carry on with their day as usual. This is why I no longer carry hate in my heart for anyone. While there are many who have done me wrong or deserve my forgiveness I am bigger and better than that. Hatred means they win, but love smiling and carrying on means you taking that control back. That’s where I am at this point taking back control after being left for dead. My counselor and those close to me said I come so far from where I was a few months back I am alive. Taking these steps on my own is difficult because not hating someone is so hard, but it’s worth it…

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